Feedback for many may indeed be a dirty word. Or at the very least, an unappetising one, much like the broccoli of human interaction. And while we may know that it’s good for us, safe to say it’s not often welcomed with open arms.
For most people, feedback is not a natural go-to, and even when absolutely essential or necessary (meaning, it can’t be avoided or side-stepped), it can conjure feelings of anxiety and concern about how to approach it. This may be true whether your role is as the giver or receiver.
Feedback is certainly crucial in all aspects of life if there is to be personal development or professional advancement. It serves the purpose of helping us to better understand our strengths and potential areas of improvement, and can also inspire us to strive for betterment. The process of both giving and receiving feedback, however, is often fraught with complications. Think of it like riding the fence of praise or acknowledgment and constructive criticism. It’s a sweet spot that we strive for, but can be difficult to find.
Praise-based feedback, which reinforces what’s going well seeks to boost confidence and enhance motivation for the ‘right’ behaviour to continue. It might be more easily welcomed and perceived more readily as helpful. By contrast, constructive criticism, which seeks to highlight what can be improved upon, can come across as a personal afront rather than a call for improvement. It proves difficult for both givers and receivers no matter how tactfully presented.
A key challenge with feedback (whichever kind), is that we will all interpret it differently based upon our former experience, our personalities and even our current emotional state. If our default is already set to a high sense of self-criticism or what one might dub as ‘perfectionism’, then any call to improvement could get amplified beyond what it might really be in actuality, leading to an over exaggerated sense of short-coming versus a call to growth. On the other hand, some people find it difficult to hear and integrate ‘what’s good’, due to feeling a sense of un-deservedness or that the praise may be inauthentic.
Another interesting point of note is that we tend to typically get hung up on the giving feedback part, more-so than the receiving it. What I mean here it’s quite common that one will google, research and review the how-to's of giving feedback in preparation to doing so, but seldom give pause to the how to’s of receiving it, for when it’s scheduled or incidentally offered.
So what’s that about?
Is there scope in the feedback debate then that the responsibility is dual - that of both giver and receiver. Sure, I need to make careful consideration to how I might undertake giving feedback for right message, right impact, right efficacy, right landing, right outcome etc. But don’t I also have the responsibility as the receiver of feedback to prepare myself and harbour the best/right headspace and state to receive it too. The ownness is not all on the giver.
Surely as receiver, it’s up to me to make sure I’m not overlaying some kind of (other or unrelated) story on top of actual fact, that I may need to take it on the chin and face that I didn’t do so well somewhere, that it’s par for the course of my employment that feedback will be offered (whether I want it or not), that the ego needs to have a time out, that there’s likely something here to be learned and develop from, that for things to improve, feedback is essential... and so on.
Imagine now a space where both sides are attending, each to their own portions of the equation of effective feedback and how that may transform not only the experience but the larger landscape the feedback exchange sits within.
Here are some points for each side to consider:
RECEIVING FEEDBACK:
- defer the knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness and resistance
- deflect any thoughts of it being a personal attack, and any feelings of inadequacy or insecurity
- remain open-minded and engage a willingness to improve
- embrace it as an opportunity to learn, develop and grow
- seek to extract valuable insights that can help you to refine your skills and behaviours
- remember it’s about progress not perfection
GIVING FEEDBACK:
- be tactful and thoughtful, and deliver it with empathy, respect and regard for where the receiver ‘may be at’
- avoid sitting on feedback as a timely course correction is more likely if the details are fresh in everyone’s mind
- remember that ‘vague’ is the dirty word and focus on specific behaviour/s to avoid confusion
- provide concrete examples and specific actionable requests to add meaning and context
- stay constructive and avoid making generalised comments or sweeping judgments about a person's character
- strive for balance, focussing on strengths and accomplishments, balancing praise with constructive suggestions to help maintain motivation and morale
All of this makes the process of giving and receiving feedback an art indeed. But first things first, remembering it’s a 2 way street is important, and for best results, a 'we all play’ mindset is something we would all do well to cultivate.